![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
caseymaffleck(NOTE: due to many changed circumstances, most of the OCs mentioned herein are formely played pups. I've just replaced the names and deleted a few details like shows they worked on if they are still in game. The main OCs are Ben's partners in his poly relationship Andrew and Jim)
"I'd of course be honored to be your best man when you decide to do the big ceremony." Ben says. He looks down at the table, searching for some reason he can leave the room for a moment to get his bearings. "I forgot to bring out waters, you can't live on coffee alone or so Jim tells me. I'm just going to grab a couple of bottles. Did you need anything else while I'm up?" he asks even as he's standing and heading towards the kitchen.
"No," Casey says and he stares at the tray. And the bottles of water, right there. He realises that it's not about water. He knows he's hit Ben with a few things and what it's actually about, at least in the abstract, so he doesn't say any more, just waits, hoping he can help Ben with this as much as Ben is helping him.
Ben sees the bottles of water just as he's heading into the kitchen but he needs a few moments alone right now more then he needs to explain to Casey. As soon as he's in the kitchen he's sliding down the nearest wall and fighting to catch his breath. It's too soon after his breakdown in London with Jim, the pain of everything that came out there still raw and now it feels as if even more is being piled on. Casey, who he would do anything for, didn't call him when his lover was diagnosed with a brain tumor. He didn't call when they decided to get married or to start the process of having a child. Ben hadn't even met his new brother-in-law yet. Jim had met Matt, Jim's parents had met Matt and they'd all been at the wedding, but no one seems to have considered how much Ben would have wanted to be there. This is about Casey, not about you. Ben kept repeating, but at the moment all he could wonder is if there was any part of his life where he didn't feel like an unwanted accessory.
Casey knows that he's put a lot on Ben's shoulders, and he's going to take some on his own when he can. If Ben won't let him, a reminder about being grown up should do it. Hopefully. He looks down at his clasped hands and wonders if he should've made time for some of it, but it had been such a whirlwind and there was the ever present looming threat of Matt's father. Not that it was an excuse but it was a reason. And yet he feels he should have made time to tell Ben. He moves, uncomfortably. This feels wrong.
Ben allows himself a minute more to deal with it all and then he forces it back, all the hurt feelings and the need to scream about how unfair it was. He's good at this, good at taking unwanted emotions and pain and pushing it back to where he doesn't have to face it. He's been doing it since everything happened with his parents after all so he has had lots of practice. Pushing up from the wall, he grabs two more bottles of water since that is what he said he was coming in for. "Sorry about that." he says to Casey walking back into the room as if there wasn't anything wrong. "The bottles I brought out earlier are warmer then I like it. So, you were going to tell me if there was anything I could do to help. It sounds like you've gotten everything pretty organized already, but if you need something all you have to do is ask."
"Don't," Casey says, and stands up. "I know I've pushed you aside, I knew it when it was happening. And I am sorry. I shouldn't have. And I feel bad about it. I want you in my life in all these ways and things just keep happening." He reaches for Ben, ignoring the water, and hugs him, tightly. "I'm sorry, Ben. I love you and I will not let you push things aside. I remember you doing that before you left home, and I'm sure you're still doing it. You're not doing it now. You're going to talk to me."
"There's nothing to talk about. It's your life and you live it like you want." Ben says, letting Casey hug him but not really participating. "No one has the right to force themselves into your life or demand to be present for things, not even me. It's okay. I understand and there is nothing to talk about, not about this anyway." If his voice is as distant as his emotions, well that's the way he deals with things.
"But I don't want you to stay away," Casey says. "I don't want this. I don't want to be telling you all these things after the fact. Ben, don't do this, don't shut me away, not now. Please, Ben." He hasn't let him go.
"I'm not shutting you out. I'll be present for as much as your life as you want me to be." Ben offers, working his way out of Casey's arms. He has to pull a bit to do so, but he can't stay wrapped up in Casey's arms at the moment. He takes a deep breath before sitting back down on the couch and looking up at Casey. "So sit down and tell me how you're liking married life."
"No," Casey says. He knows this is going to be a problem if he doesn't confront it. He knows Ben. And, he realises, his coping strategies haven't changed. "I want you to talk to me. Now. Don't hold back, don't protect me. Tell me your feelings. Stop pretending I haven't hurt you when I know how much I have."
"I'm not hurt." Ben says truthfully. He's pushed it all far enough back that he really isn't feeling hurt at the moment. He knows it will come back, but for the moment he's fine. "Yes, I would have liked to be apart of all that has changed in your life, but it's not my place to demand to be part of it or to be hurt when I'm not."
"You're not hurt because you've pushed it aside," Casey says. "I know your coping strategies Ben, and I can see how little they've changed over the years. If they've changed at all. I don't want you to push it back. You have every right to be hurt and upset." Casey can handle this. He can.
Ben shakes his head. "It doesn't matter right now. Sit down and eat. Tell me about married life. Is it everything you expected?"
"Ben, it matters," Casey says. "It matters a great deal to me that I've hurt you. I never wanted to do that, and don't tell me you're not hurt. You matter. Stop telling me you don't because I will never ever believe you don't matter." He's not ignoring Ben's question, he's pushing for his own answers.
Ben shrugs. "I never said I don't matter." he comments. Really he isn't sure why Casey is pushing this, Ben has dealt with it. He takes a long drink from one of the bottles of water he brought from the kitchen and waits to see if Casey will drop it so they can continue their conversation.
"You implied it. Now talk to me, dammit," Casey says. "And I don't mean about married life or food or... or anything except what I want you to talk about and don't, for the love of god, pretend you don't know what I mean. And I'm not dropping this, though I'm sure you'd prefer if I did."
"I don't know what you mean Casey." Ben says calmly. "Some things have gone on in your life that I would have liked to have been part of but didn't know about. It's not like this is anything new considering we didn't see each other for years. It's over and there is nothing that can be done to change it. We move on from here."
"Ben, stop it," Casey says. "You're too calm. Yes it is possible. It's not that it's not new. Just talk to me. You know you have things to say. I am not letting you shut me out, and I'm not shutting you out any more."
"I'm sorry my being calm upsets you or you feel like I'm shutting you out. I'm just being me, I apologize if that's not good enough for you." Ben says, still retaining his calm despite feeling the emotions starting to press forward to be let loose.
"You're not being you, that's the problem," Casey says. "the way you're speaking right now isn't my brother, ten years apart or not. I know you, Ben. I know what's changed and what hasn't." He had felt the tension in Ben as he hugged him. He knows very well that this is possibly about to cause an explosion. He would honestly prefer that to the almost unnatural calm Ben is showing.
Ben smiles, although it really doesn't have any warmth in it. "You know a part of me." he agrees. "But we did have ten years away from each other and a lot of things did change in the time we didn't see each other, whether you want to acknowledge that or not. This is me. Maybe not a me you know or approve of from the sound of it, but it is me. It's the man I am now and if you have a problem with it the there is nothing I can do about it except remind you that you know where the door is."
Casey shakes his head. "I know the parts that have changed. I know a lot have changed. But my love for you, that hasn't changed. My being able to know when you're upset, that hasn't changed. And my knowing when you're trying not to tell me something because you don't want me to be hurt? That hasn't changed either. I know how much you kept from me - not the details but that there was more to what you had been through - when we were kids. You're acting too close to how you were then."
"Maybe you should use that door since obviously I'm not the brother you have envisioned in your mind." Ben suggests, placing the bottle of water he's been clutching down as he stands up and goes to look out the window. "Feel free to go back to your husband and child. I'm sure they will allow you to tell them who you have decided they should be."
"You're not getting me to leave that easily," Casey says. "I do know you. You forget who it was who held you when you knew you were gay. You forget who was there for you through that. Who would have been there for you before if I'd had the chance. Who would've been there for you all these years."
Ben shakes his head as continues looking out the window. He catches himself right before all the thoughts rushing through his head can escape into words. He's almost lightheaded though with the thoughts and wondering why Casey seems to feel it's his right to comfort Ben and take care of him but Ben isn't allowed the same privilege.
"Please, Ben, talk to me. I know I've hurt you badly. Don't tell me I haven't, don't tell me to go away. Let me be here for you. You were there for me so much, I'd like to do that for you for a while..." Casey says softly.
"When have you ever let me be there for you?" Ben asks before he can stop himself. He doesn't turn to face Casey though and his voice remains the same calm tone despite his words that won't seem to stop now. "You seem to think it's your right to be here with me, even if you really don't know what's going on, but I'm not allowed the same privilege. You live your life, telling me after the fact of every pain or triumph without allowing me to help you or be there for you. Yet somehow you think I'm obligated to open myself up to you, tell you what's going on with me? It doesn't work that way Casey. You don't get to be my brother when it's convenient for you."
"When we were younger," Casey says, softly. He knows this is the dam breaking and he doesn't want his own emotions to go too far. "I'm sorry. I was wrong not to at least try to get hold of you. I should have. I made a wrong decision there. I want to be your brother always. I shouldn't let other things get in the way of that."
Ben glances briefly at Casey before turning back to the window. "Yet you have let other things get in the way. It's not like picking up the phone and calling me would have been that difficult, my cell phone is with me twenty-four/seven, especially when I'm away from home. You could have even had Jim tell me since I talked to him every chance I got, but instead you had him keep it a secret from me." he pauses for a moment before continuing. "I'm curious, did you have Jim's parents, you know the ones who you have actually introduced your husband to and were at your wedding despite my not even having met the man you're married to yet. Did you tell them not to mention all of this to me as well? I know Andrew has met him so I'm guessing he was invited and was at your wedding as well and was told not to mention it to me."
"I know and I was wrong," Casey says. "I'm sorry. And I asked him that so I could tell you." He sighs. "Andrew wasn't there. I haven't seen Andrew since I told him we couldn't... be more than friends." He shakes his head. "I'm wrong. I'm going about this all the wrong way. I am. And no, I didn't say anything to Jim and Maria. I don't know if Jim might have, but I don't think so. You'd have to ask him that."
"I will ask him. I'm not sure he and I are up for another conversation where I question how many things he's going to put before our marriage, but it looks like we'll have another one anyway." Ben says, still refusing to look anywhere but out the window. He knows if he faces Casey he'll break entirely and he's not sure he's willing to do that in front of his brother right now. As it is, Ben can't keep the words from escaping, but at least he's keeping his tone from showing how he feels about it all.
"Another?" Casey says, feeling even worse for what he's done to Ben. "I'm sorry I've caused this to happen. I really am." He knows that probably isn't helping much. "Ben, what's going on?"
"You've yet to tell me why I should share my life with you when you don't feel the need to do the same except as an afterthought." Ben says, still with that calm voice.
Casey is starting to feel like it would be progress if Ben yelled at him. The calmness is almost scary. "Because I feel like it was wrong to do that and I want to start again," Casey answers. "I do want you to meet Matt and Noah as soon as possible," he offers. "I was going to ask - I am asking - you for a good time and then I'll see where we can fit both in. If... if you still want to."
Ben turns to look at Casey at this. "Are you asking because you feel guilty or obligated or because you really want me to meet them and truly be part of your life?" he asks, holding up a hand before Casey can speak. "I suggest you really think about your answer because right now I'm not apt to give you another chance if I find out you lied at all about this." Ben turns back to the window and stares out. "Sometimes I think it would be so much easier if I could just forget all the people and events before I was twenty-five." he muses to himself.
"It is something I was going to ask today regardless of this. I'll have to ask you to believe that but it was one of my reasons for coming here," Casey answers. "I know that may be hard for you but I hope you know I would not lie to you about that." He is a bit upset at what Ben says. "Unfortunately life doesn't work that way. I certainly wouldn't want you to get hit on the head and forget me."
Ben nods, trusting Casey's words because he was serious that there won't be another chance given if Casey lied in any way. "We can set up a time whenever is good for you and Matt. I'll be staying in Cardiff for the foreseeable future and the only obligations I'll have to work around will probably be a couple hours a week."
"I'll check with him when he's free - his schedule did get a lot more packed with the chemo and other appointments," Casey answers. "I'll call you when I know some times? Is that okay?" He adds. "I may be able to bring Noah over sooner if you'd like. And... I know it's not the same but I have... well... started carrying pictures. If you'd like to see?" He doesn't know if anything at all is going to lead to worse but at least the talking is moving slightly forward. And he thinks there's a little less eerie calm to Ben's tone, but he isn't quite sure if that's his hopes talking.
"Calling me about a time after you talk to Matt is fine." Ben agrees. "And I would love to see your photos of Noah." He's still pushing back the hurt and most of the emotion, but this much he can do. He's not sure yet about Casey bringing Noah over, but he's not really feeling capable of making a decision either way today so he doesn't address it for the moment.
Casey's really not sure what's best, he can see Ben's still pulling back. He isn't sure where to go. What will be something Ben can't handle. "Please, I know you haven't said all you want to. Please talk to me. I don't care if you yell at me. I deserve it."
"I don't want to yell." Ben says, walking back to the couch and sitting down. "I don't think I have the energy mentally or physically right now to fight. And at this point, I really don't know what to say, what you want me to say."
"That's good, that you don't want to yell. And... I don't know what I want you to say," Casey answers. "I don't know what I want..." he sighs. "Maybe I want this conversation never to have been necessary. I don't know."
Ben rubs his forehead and sighs. "What else did you want to talk about when you came over here today? You said there was a lot to talk about. Did we cover everything or is there more?"
Casey thinks a bit. "Well, you know how I said that Maria and Jim have nearly adopted Matt? They've said to me - but not to Matt yet so I am actually telling you something before I tell him - that they want to do that, legally. I mean, obviously he's old enough to take care of himself most of the time, but they want him to know there are other people he belongs to. And no, Jim doesn't know yet either... I actually found out by accident, I was praying in the hospital chapel and they didn't see me when they came in. So I may end up Jim's brother-in-law twice over." Casey decides that yes, he can tell Ben the other news, too. "And I'll be taking Noah to Boston for a couple of weeks next month. I have some legal things to clear up, and I have some time off, so Matt is kind of pushing me to take a break and he said I could take Noah and show him where I grew up. Not going near our parents but there are so many places I can show him that were good," Casey smiles.
Ben isn't sure how he feels about the idea of Jim's parents adopting Matt, but at the moment there are just too many other things to deal with to be concerned. If it ends up upsetting Jim or any of his siblings, then Ben will worry about it, until then it's definitely back-burner material. Just the idea of returning to Boston where their parents still live and everything happened still terrifies Ben. He actually hasn't been back since, although he's not sure if Casey or anyone realize it. "Just be careful if you take Noah there. You might not be planning on seeing them, but that doesn't mean you won't." he warns, knowing that if their parents did see Casey and found out he was involved with another man they wouldn't hesitate to attack. Their opinion that it was better to have a dead son then a gay son most likely wouldn't have changed after all these years.
Casey nods. "It's a big city. And I doubt they hang out at the places we used to hang out as kids, especially as half the point of us hanging out in those places were to get away from them." Casey sighs softly. "I haven't been there since I left but I want to get a copy of my birth certificate - it'll make doing some of the legal things easier, that's the main reason for my even going. And I promise you, Ben. I'm just not going near them if I have the opportunity. Or I might find myself losing it. I really don't think Noah needs to see that."
"Just be careful." Ben reiterates. "You never know when fate is going to step in and you'll run into them at a gas station or something." Ben says. He knows that personally he wouldn't be upset if he never set foot back in Boston again.
"I promise," Casey nods. "If I even think I see them - in a reasonable way, not just an older dark-haired man kind of way - I'll get out of wherever I am. I promise. I won't put myself, Noah or even you, slight as the chance is, at risk." He sighs. "You know, though? If they really, really wanted to find me, they could. When people on the internet know who I am because of my work, it can't be that hard to find me."
"I don't think they'd go out of their way to find us unless we mention them in an article or something." Ben says, having thought about this several times considering his galleries are world-known.
Casey nods. "I've thought about it too, especially the couple of interviews I've given for the show. And I was thinking about you being married to Jim as well. I know you haven't publicised things much, but again, if they got a hold of something..."
"If they get hold of something and feel it could somehow be linked to them they will attack in anyway they can." Ben says, his voice back to being cold and emotionless. Just the thought of seeing his parents again terrifies him. The thought of what they would do knowing that both of their sons were married to other men goes a long way past terrifying.
Casey nods. "And Jim's getting a lot more well known in America. One day, they'll pick up a newspaper and your name will be there beside Jim's as his partner. It will happen - it's just a matter of when. And I know how much you really don't want them to know. I do know that, even if it seems like I don't sometimes," he adds.
He really doesn't want to even think about the day his relationship with Jim comes to their parents attention. Ben doesn't think they would make the effort to come over to Europe, but if he's in the states at the time . . . especially if he's alone. "I really would prefer if they never knew anything about me, but I'm not sure how realistic that is. I can hope they have just forgotten about me and don't care, wouldn't do anything, but I'm not sure even I can delude myself that much."
"If the years I was with them when you weren't are any indication," Casey says. "I don't think they could ever forget. You were a forbidden topic, of course, but I heard them talking about you when they thought I couldn't hear. It was a lot," he says. "About how they could ever have gone so wrong with one son, and being relieved that I was 'normal'. That's the word they used. They don't think we're normal - well, they do think I am, and I've just 'hidden myself in work' as far as they're concerned. God. There were even a couple of screaming matches - right after," Casey adds. "I think back then Mom would've
let you back if you weren't gay. But they got set against the idea and more rigid in their thinking. I... just wanted you back."
"The longer they believe you're just burying yourself in your work, the better we'll all be." Ben states, not wanting to even consider what their parents would do if they found out about what Casey's life was really like. "I'm fairly certain if and when they find out any details of our lives they will feel obligated to do something about it." That would be one of Ben's greatest fears, that Casey would have to go through even a fraction of what Ben had with their parents.
"I'm lucky Matt's work is more on the computer side, and the Foundation," Casey says. "I know he still wants to act but it's easier to be able to stay here. I never want to see them again, though. I've already made a few excuses," he adds. "If only to myself for avoiding them. But I won't see them. Not any more. I thought maybe we could hold onto a relationship - I didn't even care that I'd have to be in the closet around them. But it's impossible, probably always was. That's the other reason I worry about you. You don't look all that different and with your name, they'll know it's you."
Ben nods. "It wouldn't be difficult for them to put everything together, especially because Jim is becoming so popular over in the states now. I know there is a lot of interest in our relationship too, especially since up until now we've tried to keep it fairly low key. I think maybe it intrigues the reporters and paparazzi even more that we're not out there more. I wouldn't be surprised if a reporter figures out Andrew is part of things soon since I know they're digging for information."
"I know and that worries me. You can't be sure they won't see something - there was an article on Billie in People not so long ago, and though I doubt our parents would have any interest in her other show, it's too close for comfort," he says. "Mind you, I don't think they read People after they said someone was gay - can't remember if it was Liberace or Rock Hudson in some retrospective," he says. "I'm worried that the threesome coming out might get to them as well. If not them, well, there's plenty of people who'd be interested in an out threesome too, and you just don't know if the wrong person or people will hear. It's got to be..." and he stops. "It is scaring you to death, isn't it?"
Ben laughs bitterly. "You could say that I have some issues about our parents and the thought of them finding out about my relationship with Jim and Andrew. They're probably more of an issue for me then some other crazy out there that won't approve. Maybe it's not logical to disregard so many threats, but I'm not sure I can deal with just how large the risk might be."
"I don't think you're illogical, but then I know our parents," Casey replies. "I mean, there've got to be other crazies out there but Jim seems to have a handle on things. I was thinking more that someone might see something about the three of you and mention it to Mom and Dad, though. Especially if it comes out in the papers."
Ben nods. "I'm certain that if any of their acquaintances read something they'll take great pleasure in showing it to them. Which, of course, will make them even angrier." He shakes his head, knowing this is one area where the threat is probably as great as the fear he has of it, especially if their parents somehow find out about Casey and Matt as well. There's no telling what their parents would do if they thought Ben might have somehow corrupted Casey.
"You know they would, the gossip in their circle is as vicious as ever, or it was the last time I had reason to know - after I left home, but before I moved countries," Casey answers. "I'm scared," and he moves to hug Ben, wanting him to know he's here. "I know you are too."
Ben accepts the hug, trying not to tense up at the comforting touch he's not really sure how to deal with considering everything they've talked about and not talked about. He also does his best to return the gesture, not wanting to alert Casey to any issues beyond what he already knows about. "So what else did you want to talk about when you came over today?"
Casey knows it's still not right. "I want... to work toward getting back to where we should be. I know it's going to take work from me, and I've neglected that. I'm sorry," he says. "But we need to commit to this. To not let our lovers and family get between us. I want my best friend back, who happens to be my brother as well. I want to be able to call you at 2 am. I hope I don't have to, but I want to know I can if I must. I want you to be able to do that too."
"You can always call me at 2am." Ben says, knowing he'd probably even be awake the way things currently were. "Relationships take work from both sides. My going to the states for a month was probably the cause of most of this and then when I got back other things were going on and I let them get in the way."
"And I did let Matt's illness get in the way - and while some of that couldn't be helped, I could have at least said there was more going on, even if I wasn't ready to tell you," Casey says. "I made mistakes too. That's what I'm trying, clumsily, to say. I love you. I don't think I'll ever get to tell you that enough. No matter what it seems like, I'm glad you're back in my life."
"I love you too." Ben says. That at least is easy for him to admit. All the other emotions, the hurt that Casey didn't tell him about Matt's illness or their marriage can be pushed aside as he concentrates on this positive. "I'm glad you're back in my life as well. I just hope us being in contact again doesn't cause problems for you in the future with our parents."
Casey is wishing he had made time to tell Ben at least some of it. Maybe not all, but some. He also knows Jim will have to handle this but he is sure Jim and Ben can get there. "I don't care," he says. "I really don't. They don't know about me and they never will."
"I don't think you can guarantee they won't ever find out." Ben says, although he's definitely hoping that they never do find out about Casey's relationship. "If nothing else, you could get linked to Jim through me and it could come out that way."
"Then we protect ourselves from them," Casey says. "Staying here most of the time is a good beginning." He hugs Ben a little tighter. "They won't be able to find us here."
Ben nods. "Yeah, it's a very good idea for you to stay here instead of going back to the states. You know there are ways to get your birth certificate without going there and taking the chance."
"Unfortunately those ways take months, not a few days," Casey answers. "If it weren't completely necessary - it's something to do with custody of Noah, and I've no idea why it's necessary but it is. And if things take a sudden turn for the worse, we may not have weeks..."
"Is there any way I could go get it for you?" Ben asks, willing to make the trip and take the risk of seeing their parents if it will help protect his brother.
"You're amazing, but no, I promised Noah. I will, however, spend as little time in Boston as possible. I think he'd love California. Or anywhere I took him, really," Casey smiles.
"Just be careful." Ben requests. "And if you do run into them, lie and say Noah is your son from a woman so they don't have any reason to get upset with you."
"I'm not sure if it's a good thing or not that I was already planning on that in the unfortunate event that I need to. At least Noah's baby talk is plausible enough to be about something else than his papa," Casey smiles at that. "I'm really hoping not to see them. Unless their routines have changed greatly - I know, through checking, that they haven't retired yet but I think it will be soon - I can make sure I'm anywhere they might even remotely be expected to be when I'm fairly sure they'll be somewhere else."
Ben nods, knowing he'll worry until Casey and Noah are both back safely. Even then he doesn't think the worry will end, just transfer back to fear that they'll find out more information about their son's lives and try to stop what they see as sinful behavior.
"Someday - not right now because I know we have too much going on and you can't possibly be any more ready to leave Jim for that amount of time than I am to leave Matt yet - I'd like to take a vacation with you. Just us, leave our partners at home and spend some time together. Noah could come along if that works out, but some time alone," Casey says. "Somewhere we don't even have to think about our parents would be good, too. But I think we would do that some anyway."
Although the suggestion comes as a surprise to Ben, he can't say he would be completely against the idea once he's got some of the current issues settled for good. "I think I would like that if we can manage a good time for both of us. Obviously it's not a good time for either of us right now, but suggest it again once things settle down and maybe we can work something out."
"I'm glad you feel that way," Casey smiles. "I know we couldn't do it now, but on the other hand, if we don't at least talk about it, it won't ever happen. And if nothing else, today I've learned that talking is better than not talking, especially to you." He sighs. "God, I feel so relaxed right now. More than I have in a long time. It's very... tense with Matt most of the time. I try not to let it get to me, but it does."
"I'm sorry you're having to go through this. That both of you have to face this when you should just be relishing being in a new and wonderful relationship is just wrong." Ben states softly. He knows a bit of what Casey is going through, having spent the early days of his relationship with Jim worrying about whether or not Jim was going to be okay.
"I know, and I know it will be all right now. We're doing okay with the relationship, it's just the tension of treatment and knowing what could go wrong..." Casey shakes his head. "But we are stronger for it, and that has to be good." He smiles. "I wouldn't trade him for anyone, even at his most stubborn."
"One thing about this, if you can get through this so early in your relationship you'll be able to get through almost anything." Ben comments, thinking about how much his own relationship with Jim has been tested lately and wondering if they wouldn't have dealt with Jim's illness early on if they would be strong enough to deal with what they were now.
"That's good to know," Casey nods. "Like the saying, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? But I'd like a little less testing for a while..."
Ben smiles a bit sadly. "I know the feeling." he nods. "You'll get through it though, I have faith in you."
"I know and that means so much," Casey says. "You always did have faith in me, just as I did in you. And we have beaten our past, you know. We're here, we're alive and we're happy. That's a lot more to build on than hate."
Ben knows he's far from beating his past, but there is no way he's going to drag Casey into the fight he's having with all that happened then. "You've done an amazing job of getting past all that happened then."
"Sometimes I feel like I haven't made any progress, but then I look at who I was back then and I know I have," Casey answers. "I know you have, too. I think we'll always have that as a part of us but it doesn't need to define us."
Ben nods with a small forced smile that he tries to make look natural. "So tell me what else has been going on." he suggests, knowing he needs to divert Casey from any more talk about their past. Ben is feeling a bit too shaky about the subject at the moment and he doesn't want to add any more to Casey's already heavy load of worries.
The smile doesn't fool Casey for a second. "Really, that's about it," he says. "Of the world-shaking events, anyway. I'm sure Jim's told you about the changes in work for the year, too? The shortened season for his show?"
"He told me about the shortened season." Ben says. "We haven't really discussed a lot about his work lately. Once in awhile we discuss work stuff, but for the most part he seems to discuss most of that with Andrew since they're both going through it."
Casey nods. "A lot of it's really boring if you're not a part of it, I know that much. It's why I never really went on with acting, it wasn't something that interested me. You know, I'll have to find you a copy of the movie I was in, just so you can, um... see how I was," he flushes. "I think I could've done something with it, but the waiting around on set was so boring. I really don't know how people enjoy that enough to make it their career, but it'd be a boring world if we all did the same things," he says.
"I would love to see the movie you were in, I'm sure you were very good." Ben says with a small smile. "I haven't really been on set to have to deal with all the waiting, but I'm sure it could get boring at times. I know Jim and Andrew both think being able to act is worth it, but I can see where others wouldn't see it that way. Besides, you've found things you're good at and that's all that counts."
"That's how I feel," Casey nods, smiling. "You get it. I mean, if it'd been something I really wanted to do, I would've felt a lot different, I'm sure. I'm glad I got the experience - once was fun even with the boring parts - but still. And I know, but Jim, does he ever actually sleep?" Casey laughs.
Ben laughs softly. "Yeah, he sleeps if he gets tired enough. He just has two speeds asleep and hyper with no in between. It's part of his charm . . . I think"
"I think we'd better think that or we'll end up finding him supremely irritating," Casey grins. "But yes, that sounds very like Jim. Of course you'd find someone like that. Even as a kid, you didn't sleep a lot, I remember."
Ben just nods. "Yeah, sleep is a highly overrated activity." he comments after a moment. "I know it used to drive you crazy when I'd come in and wake you up in the middle of the night because I had a brilliant thought I wanted to share. The middle of the night was also the time when I did the most drawing or painting when we were younger."
"I remember you saying that a lot too," Casey replies, laughing. "And as much as it did, there were a lot of times after you left that I wished you would come in... even dreamed you had a couple times..." he nods. "Have you tried that again? Or have you managed to draw at more respectable times now?"
"I've done a bit of drawing in the middle of the night." Ben states, understating the amount of sketch books he's filled in the past couple of months, many of which no one else would see if he had any say in it. "I haven't done any painting lately, although I've thought about picking up some supplies and trying again."
"You've always been really good," Casey says. "I was so unsurprised to find that you went into art, you'd always wanted to." He nods. "I'd like to see if you do any. If you want to show me. I still have some paintings you did years ago..."
"Please, I'm begging you, burn any of my paintings you have and never show them to anyone else." Ben says seriously. "I can only imagine just how horrible they are."
"Never," Casey says seriously. "For far too long they were all I had of you. They are in storage now and I'll leave them there, but don't ask me to burn them..." he's very serious on that.
"I'm really not talented enough for anyone to keep my paintings and I certainly wasn't then." Ben says seriously, but he also won't press for Casey to destroy them. He rarely shows his art to anyone even now.
"You actually weren't that bad. I mean, given your age and level of training," Casey says. "I think that's part of the reason I went into art myself - it was another link to you."
"Wow, that's quite the compliment. Thank you." Ben says, truly surprised and touched by the comment. "I know my sketching has gotten better over the years, but it's been a long time since I tried to paint. It's probably been since college."
"You know what I've always thought about doing but never had the chance to?" Casey smiles at how surprised and touched Ben is. "And I wouldn't have done it as far as I did if I didn't like it for myself, but it started out as a way to keep a thread of you with me, yes." He wonders if Ben knows how hard he clung to things like art and the music Ben had liked. If he hadn't had those, the three years he'd lived with their parents after Ben had run away would have been more unbearable than they were. "I would love to go to the places people like Van Gogh and Rubens and Da Vinci painted. Italy, France, Holland... I've been to some of them but not with that in mind. Maybe not necessarily to paint but to... absorb if that makes sense." He
nods. "That's a long time, but I bet you've still got that raw talent you had."
"It's decided then. If we can get away for that vacation together we'll do a tour of places some of the greats painted and check out some of the museums and churches where their art is displayed." Ben says, having always wanted to do a trip like that himself but never taking the time. "I'm fairly certain Jim and Andrew would appreciate your going with me so they don't have to be bored as I want to see it all in depth and stop often to sketch." He thinks about it for a moment. "Maybe sometime I will pick up more paints and supplies and try my hand at it again. The worst that can happen is I hate it and throw whatever I do away."
"We'll do it," Casey says. "Schedules being the only thing that will stop us," he smiles. "And yes, it would be amazing. I'm sure Andrew and Jim wouldn't mind coming along, and nor would Matt, but we'd both be thinking about them and wondering if we were taking too long or spending too much time on something they wouldn't find at all interesting or any of a hundred things."
Casey smiles. "I get the feeling you miss it... I haven't done anything much in a while, been working too hard, but it's not
something I've let go like you have."
"I miss the freedom I felt when I used to paint, but I'm not sure if I can get that back after all these years." Ben explains. "I think it's a question of wondering if I can ever recapture that feeling or something similar."
Casey nods. "You're... I know I haven't seen you in a lot of years, but even going from when you were younger, you seem freer, more confident and happier now, with Jim and Andrew," he says. "Maybe it's as simple as finding people who love and accept you - I know that's helped for me with Matt," he says. "But I definitely see it. Maybe that will help bring that feeling back for you."
"Maybe." Ben nods, still shying away from mentioning any of the issues between Jim, Andrew and himself that still need to be dealt with. "It's been a long time since I painted though, since the time before our separation even so I'm not sure a desire to get back to it or even more freedom now can make it work now."
"LIke someone once said to me," Casey says, and he wonders what Ben is thinking about. Pushing won't work, he knows that. So he'll have to wait until Ben is ready to talk to him. He shakes his head and finishes his sentence. "You won't know until you try." He grins, because of course the 'someone' was Ben.
"Someone told you that huh?" Ben asks with a small smile. "I would say that someone was either really smart or completely deluded. I'm not sure which it would be though."
"Really smart," Casey answers. "I know that much." He smiles too. "You know, I remember wanting this... for so long." He indicates the two of them. "It's... different now. Not bad. Just different."
"I'm glad we found each other again, but I have to admit that I never even allowed myself to believe it could happen." Ben says. "It is different then it used to be, but I'm not sure there was any way it could have been the same considering all that has happened."
Casey nods. "I didn't expect it, either. I thought about looking for you but by the time it was an option, it was so many years later I had no idea where to start." He doesn't know if he should tell Ben of the times he watched the news, heard of an unidentified body that fit Ben's physical description and prayed it wasn't his brother. He speaks, softly. "Not the same, no. But still more than I ever dared hope."
"It was probably better we didn't find each other again until now despite how much I missed you." Ben states. "I'm not sure we could have reached this point if we'd met again earlier. I wasn't ready to face anything from my past. I'm not really sure how ready I am even now, but at least I'm not quite as tempted to run away from any reminder of the past."
"Then it was definitely better. I'd hate for you to want to run away from me, even if I was tempted that first night to do just that," Casey admits. "But there was too much need to have you back, and that won out. I know dealing with the past is hard, there's parts I don't want to revisit either, but... at least we're here."
"I think we were both very tempted to run away that first night, but I'm glad neither of us gave into the urge." Ben says softly. "It might have been easier to not face any of the past, but it's worth what we've dealt with so far to have you back in my life." he admits. Casey is definitely one of the reasons he's even considering therapy now, knowing he needs to deal with some of his issues if he can ever hope to have an open and truthful relationship with his brother.
"I'm glad too," Casey smiles. "It might have been easier, but I think we can agree, in the end, it wouldn't have been better. I know we've dealt with a lot, and there's more to deal with, but at least we're in the position of knowing that we want to deal with it." He knows that might take a while for them both but moving forward is better than not moving.
"Yeah, there is still a lot to deal with, but hopefully we'll eventually get there." Ben says with a sad smile. "It will be worth it in the end I'm sure even if moving forward is sometimes difficult."
"We will," Casey says, just optimistic enough to believe that. "And it will be more than worth it. We have so much love, and it's lasted even through all the years of separation. It's worth the bad parts. You're worth the bad parts."
"You're worth it too." Ben agrees, his voice soft and introspective. The bad parts are pretty horrible and he's only begun to deal with them, but Casey is worth it and so are Jim and Andrew. He just needs to work on getting past the fear and the knowledge that things will most likely get worse before they get better.
Casey moves to hug Ben again. "Thank you. I don't mean to rush out on you," which it isn't, they've been talking for a while, "but I have to pick up some things for Noah before I go home and I'd rather not deal with the post-work crowds. I'll call you soon," and he kisses Ben's cheek, softly. He gets up, gathers his things and starts to head toward the door.
"I'd of course be honored to be your best man when you decide to do the big ceremony." Ben says. He looks down at the table, searching for some reason he can leave the room for a moment to get his bearings. "I forgot to bring out waters, you can't live on coffee alone or so Jim tells me. I'm just going to grab a couple of bottles. Did you need anything else while I'm up?" he asks even as he's standing and heading towards the kitchen.
"No," Casey says and he stares at the tray. And the bottles of water, right there. He realises that it's not about water. He knows he's hit Ben with a few things and what it's actually about, at least in the abstract, so he doesn't say any more, just waits, hoping he can help Ben with this as much as Ben is helping him.
Ben sees the bottles of water just as he's heading into the kitchen but he needs a few moments alone right now more then he needs to explain to Casey. As soon as he's in the kitchen he's sliding down the nearest wall and fighting to catch his breath. It's too soon after his breakdown in London with Jim, the pain of everything that came out there still raw and now it feels as if even more is being piled on. Casey, who he would do anything for, didn't call him when his lover was diagnosed with a brain tumor. He didn't call when they decided to get married or to start the process of having a child. Ben hadn't even met his new brother-in-law yet. Jim had met Matt, Jim's parents had met Matt and they'd all been at the wedding, but no one seems to have considered how much Ben would have wanted to be there. This is about Casey, not about you. Ben kept repeating, but at the moment all he could wonder is if there was any part of his life where he didn't feel like an unwanted accessory.
Casey knows that he's put a lot on Ben's shoulders, and he's going to take some on his own when he can. If Ben won't let him, a reminder about being grown up should do it. Hopefully. He looks down at his clasped hands and wonders if he should've made time for some of it, but it had been such a whirlwind and there was the ever present looming threat of Matt's father. Not that it was an excuse but it was a reason. And yet he feels he should have made time to tell Ben. He moves, uncomfortably. This feels wrong.
Ben allows himself a minute more to deal with it all and then he forces it back, all the hurt feelings and the need to scream about how unfair it was. He's good at this, good at taking unwanted emotions and pain and pushing it back to where he doesn't have to face it. He's been doing it since everything happened with his parents after all so he has had lots of practice. Pushing up from the wall, he grabs two more bottles of water since that is what he said he was coming in for. "Sorry about that." he says to Casey walking back into the room as if there wasn't anything wrong. "The bottles I brought out earlier are warmer then I like it. So, you were going to tell me if there was anything I could do to help. It sounds like you've gotten everything pretty organized already, but if you need something all you have to do is ask."
"Don't," Casey says, and stands up. "I know I've pushed you aside, I knew it when it was happening. And I am sorry. I shouldn't have. And I feel bad about it. I want you in my life in all these ways and things just keep happening." He reaches for Ben, ignoring the water, and hugs him, tightly. "I'm sorry, Ben. I love you and I will not let you push things aside. I remember you doing that before you left home, and I'm sure you're still doing it. You're not doing it now. You're going to talk to me."
"There's nothing to talk about. It's your life and you live it like you want." Ben says, letting Casey hug him but not really participating. "No one has the right to force themselves into your life or demand to be present for things, not even me. It's okay. I understand and there is nothing to talk about, not about this anyway." If his voice is as distant as his emotions, well that's the way he deals with things.
"But I don't want you to stay away," Casey says. "I don't want this. I don't want to be telling you all these things after the fact. Ben, don't do this, don't shut me away, not now. Please, Ben." He hasn't let him go.
"I'm not shutting you out. I'll be present for as much as your life as you want me to be." Ben offers, working his way out of Casey's arms. He has to pull a bit to do so, but he can't stay wrapped up in Casey's arms at the moment. He takes a deep breath before sitting back down on the couch and looking up at Casey. "So sit down and tell me how you're liking married life."
"No," Casey says. He knows this is going to be a problem if he doesn't confront it. He knows Ben. And, he realises, his coping strategies haven't changed. "I want you to talk to me. Now. Don't hold back, don't protect me. Tell me your feelings. Stop pretending I haven't hurt you when I know how much I have."
"I'm not hurt." Ben says truthfully. He's pushed it all far enough back that he really isn't feeling hurt at the moment. He knows it will come back, but for the moment he's fine. "Yes, I would have liked to be apart of all that has changed in your life, but it's not my place to demand to be part of it or to be hurt when I'm not."
"You're not hurt because you've pushed it aside," Casey says. "I know your coping strategies Ben, and I can see how little they've changed over the years. If they've changed at all. I don't want you to push it back. You have every right to be hurt and upset." Casey can handle this. He can.
Ben shakes his head. "It doesn't matter right now. Sit down and eat. Tell me about married life. Is it everything you expected?"
"Ben, it matters," Casey says. "It matters a great deal to me that I've hurt you. I never wanted to do that, and don't tell me you're not hurt. You matter. Stop telling me you don't because I will never ever believe you don't matter." He's not ignoring Ben's question, he's pushing for his own answers.
Ben shrugs. "I never said I don't matter." he comments. Really he isn't sure why Casey is pushing this, Ben has dealt with it. He takes a long drink from one of the bottles of water he brought from the kitchen and waits to see if Casey will drop it so they can continue their conversation.
"You implied it. Now talk to me, dammit," Casey says. "And I don't mean about married life or food or... or anything except what I want you to talk about and don't, for the love of god, pretend you don't know what I mean. And I'm not dropping this, though I'm sure you'd prefer if I did."
"I don't know what you mean Casey." Ben says calmly. "Some things have gone on in your life that I would have liked to have been part of but didn't know about. It's not like this is anything new considering we didn't see each other for years. It's over and there is nothing that can be done to change it. We move on from here."
"Ben, stop it," Casey says. "You're too calm. Yes it is possible. It's not that it's not new. Just talk to me. You know you have things to say. I am not letting you shut me out, and I'm not shutting you out any more."
"I'm sorry my being calm upsets you or you feel like I'm shutting you out. I'm just being me, I apologize if that's not good enough for you." Ben says, still retaining his calm despite feeling the emotions starting to press forward to be let loose.
"You're not being you, that's the problem," Casey says. "the way you're speaking right now isn't my brother, ten years apart or not. I know you, Ben. I know what's changed and what hasn't." He had felt the tension in Ben as he hugged him. He knows very well that this is possibly about to cause an explosion. He would honestly prefer that to the almost unnatural calm Ben is showing.
Ben smiles, although it really doesn't have any warmth in it. "You know a part of me." he agrees. "But we did have ten years away from each other and a lot of things did change in the time we didn't see each other, whether you want to acknowledge that or not. This is me. Maybe not a me you know or approve of from the sound of it, but it is me. It's the man I am now and if you have a problem with it the there is nothing I can do about it except remind you that you know where the door is."
Casey shakes his head. "I know the parts that have changed. I know a lot have changed. But my love for you, that hasn't changed. My being able to know when you're upset, that hasn't changed. And my knowing when you're trying not to tell me something because you don't want me to be hurt? That hasn't changed either. I know how much you kept from me - not the details but that there was more to what you had been through - when we were kids. You're acting too close to how you were then."
"Maybe you should use that door since obviously I'm not the brother you have envisioned in your mind." Ben suggests, placing the bottle of water he's been clutching down as he stands up and goes to look out the window. "Feel free to go back to your husband and child. I'm sure they will allow you to tell them who you have decided they should be."
"You're not getting me to leave that easily," Casey says. "I do know you. You forget who it was who held you when you knew you were gay. You forget who was there for you through that. Who would have been there for you before if I'd had the chance. Who would've been there for you all these years."
Ben shakes his head as continues looking out the window. He catches himself right before all the thoughts rushing through his head can escape into words. He's almost lightheaded though with the thoughts and wondering why Casey seems to feel it's his right to comfort Ben and take care of him but Ben isn't allowed the same privilege.
"Please, Ben, talk to me. I know I've hurt you badly. Don't tell me I haven't, don't tell me to go away. Let me be here for you. You were there for me so much, I'd like to do that for you for a while..." Casey says softly.
"When have you ever let me be there for you?" Ben asks before he can stop himself. He doesn't turn to face Casey though and his voice remains the same calm tone despite his words that won't seem to stop now. "You seem to think it's your right to be here with me, even if you really don't know what's going on, but I'm not allowed the same privilege. You live your life, telling me after the fact of every pain or triumph without allowing me to help you or be there for you. Yet somehow you think I'm obligated to open myself up to you, tell you what's going on with me? It doesn't work that way Casey. You don't get to be my brother when it's convenient for you."
"When we were younger," Casey says, softly. He knows this is the dam breaking and he doesn't want his own emotions to go too far. "I'm sorry. I was wrong not to at least try to get hold of you. I should have. I made a wrong decision there. I want to be your brother always. I shouldn't let other things get in the way of that."
Ben glances briefly at Casey before turning back to the window. "Yet you have let other things get in the way. It's not like picking up the phone and calling me would have been that difficult, my cell phone is with me twenty-four/seven, especially when I'm away from home. You could have even had Jim tell me since I talked to him every chance I got, but instead you had him keep it a secret from me." he pauses for a moment before continuing. "I'm curious, did you have Jim's parents, you know the ones who you have actually introduced your husband to and were at your wedding despite my not even having met the man you're married to yet. Did you tell them not to mention all of this to me as well? I know Andrew has met him so I'm guessing he was invited and was at your wedding as well and was told not to mention it to me."
"I know and I was wrong," Casey says. "I'm sorry. And I asked him that so I could tell you." He sighs. "Andrew wasn't there. I haven't seen Andrew since I told him we couldn't... be more than friends." He shakes his head. "I'm wrong. I'm going about this all the wrong way. I am. And no, I didn't say anything to Jim and Maria. I don't know if Jim might have, but I don't think so. You'd have to ask him that."
"I will ask him. I'm not sure he and I are up for another conversation where I question how many things he's going to put before our marriage, but it looks like we'll have another one anyway." Ben says, still refusing to look anywhere but out the window. He knows if he faces Casey he'll break entirely and he's not sure he's willing to do that in front of his brother right now. As it is, Ben can't keep the words from escaping, but at least he's keeping his tone from showing how he feels about it all.
"Another?" Casey says, feeling even worse for what he's done to Ben. "I'm sorry I've caused this to happen. I really am." He knows that probably isn't helping much. "Ben, what's going on?"
"You've yet to tell me why I should share my life with you when you don't feel the need to do the same except as an afterthought." Ben says, still with that calm voice.
Casey is starting to feel like it would be progress if Ben yelled at him. The calmness is almost scary. "Because I feel like it was wrong to do that and I want to start again," Casey answers. "I do want you to meet Matt and Noah as soon as possible," he offers. "I was going to ask - I am asking - you for a good time and then I'll see where we can fit both in. If... if you still want to."
Ben turns to look at Casey at this. "Are you asking because you feel guilty or obligated or because you really want me to meet them and truly be part of your life?" he asks, holding up a hand before Casey can speak. "I suggest you really think about your answer because right now I'm not apt to give you another chance if I find out you lied at all about this." Ben turns back to the window and stares out. "Sometimes I think it would be so much easier if I could just forget all the people and events before I was twenty-five." he muses to himself.
"It is something I was going to ask today regardless of this. I'll have to ask you to believe that but it was one of my reasons for coming here," Casey answers. "I know that may be hard for you but I hope you know I would not lie to you about that." He is a bit upset at what Ben says. "Unfortunately life doesn't work that way. I certainly wouldn't want you to get hit on the head and forget me."
Ben nods, trusting Casey's words because he was serious that there won't be another chance given if Casey lied in any way. "We can set up a time whenever is good for you and Matt. I'll be staying in Cardiff for the foreseeable future and the only obligations I'll have to work around will probably be a couple hours a week."
"I'll check with him when he's free - his schedule did get a lot more packed with the chemo and other appointments," Casey answers. "I'll call you when I know some times? Is that okay?" He adds. "I may be able to bring Noah over sooner if you'd like. And... I know it's not the same but I have... well... started carrying pictures. If you'd like to see?" He doesn't know if anything at all is going to lead to worse but at least the talking is moving slightly forward. And he thinks there's a little less eerie calm to Ben's tone, but he isn't quite sure if that's his hopes talking.
"Calling me about a time after you talk to Matt is fine." Ben agrees. "And I would love to see your photos of Noah." He's still pushing back the hurt and most of the emotion, but this much he can do. He's not sure yet about Casey bringing Noah over, but he's not really feeling capable of making a decision either way today so he doesn't address it for the moment.
Casey's really not sure what's best, he can see Ben's still pulling back. He isn't sure where to go. What will be something Ben can't handle. "Please, I know you haven't said all you want to. Please talk to me. I don't care if you yell at me. I deserve it."
"I don't want to yell." Ben says, walking back to the couch and sitting down. "I don't think I have the energy mentally or physically right now to fight. And at this point, I really don't know what to say, what you want me to say."
"That's good, that you don't want to yell. And... I don't know what I want you to say," Casey answers. "I don't know what I want..." he sighs. "Maybe I want this conversation never to have been necessary. I don't know."
Ben rubs his forehead and sighs. "What else did you want to talk about when you came over here today? You said there was a lot to talk about. Did we cover everything or is there more?"
Casey thinks a bit. "Well, you know how I said that Maria and Jim have nearly adopted Matt? They've said to me - but not to Matt yet so I am actually telling you something before I tell him - that they want to do that, legally. I mean, obviously he's old enough to take care of himself most of the time, but they want him to know there are other people he belongs to. And no, Jim doesn't know yet either... I actually found out by accident, I was praying in the hospital chapel and they didn't see me when they came in. So I may end up Jim's brother-in-law twice over." Casey decides that yes, he can tell Ben the other news, too. "And I'll be taking Noah to Boston for a couple of weeks next month. I have some legal things to clear up, and I have some time off, so Matt is kind of pushing me to take a break and he said I could take Noah and show him where I grew up. Not going near our parents but there are so many places I can show him that were good," Casey smiles.
Ben isn't sure how he feels about the idea of Jim's parents adopting Matt, but at the moment there are just too many other things to deal with to be concerned. If it ends up upsetting Jim or any of his siblings, then Ben will worry about it, until then it's definitely back-burner material. Just the idea of returning to Boston where their parents still live and everything happened still terrifies Ben. He actually hasn't been back since, although he's not sure if Casey or anyone realize it. "Just be careful if you take Noah there. You might not be planning on seeing them, but that doesn't mean you won't." he warns, knowing that if their parents did see Casey and found out he was involved with another man they wouldn't hesitate to attack. Their opinion that it was better to have a dead son then a gay son most likely wouldn't have changed after all these years.
Casey nods. "It's a big city. And I doubt they hang out at the places we used to hang out as kids, especially as half the point of us hanging out in those places were to get away from them." Casey sighs softly. "I haven't been there since I left but I want to get a copy of my birth certificate - it'll make doing some of the legal things easier, that's the main reason for my even going. And I promise you, Ben. I'm just not going near them if I have the opportunity. Or I might find myself losing it. I really don't think Noah needs to see that."
"Just be careful." Ben reiterates. "You never know when fate is going to step in and you'll run into them at a gas station or something." Ben says. He knows that personally he wouldn't be upset if he never set foot back in Boston again.
"I promise," Casey nods. "If I even think I see them - in a reasonable way, not just an older dark-haired man kind of way - I'll get out of wherever I am. I promise. I won't put myself, Noah or even you, slight as the chance is, at risk." He sighs. "You know, though? If they really, really wanted to find me, they could. When people on the internet know who I am because of my work, it can't be that hard to find me."
"I don't think they'd go out of their way to find us unless we mention them in an article or something." Ben says, having thought about this several times considering his galleries are world-known.
Casey nods. "I've thought about it too, especially the couple of interviews I've given for the show. And I was thinking about you being married to Jim as well. I know you haven't publicised things much, but again, if they got a hold of something..."
"If they get hold of something and feel it could somehow be linked to them they will attack in anyway they can." Ben says, his voice back to being cold and emotionless. Just the thought of seeing his parents again terrifies him. The thought of what they would do knowing that both of their sons were married to other men goes a long way past terrifying.
Casey nods. "And Jim's getting a lot more well known in America. One day, they'll pick up a newspaper and your name will be there beside Jim's as his partner. It will happen - it's just a matter of when. And I know how much you really don't want them to know. I do know that, even if it seems like I don't sometimes," he adds.
He really doesn't want to even think about the day his relationship with Jim comes to their parents attention. Ben doesn't think they would make the effort to come over to Europe, but if he's in the states at the time . . . especially if he's alone. "I really would prefer if they never knew anything about me, but I'm not sure how realistic that is. I can hope they have just forgotten about me and don't care, wouldn't do anything, but I'm not sure even I can delude myself that much."
"If the years I was with them when you weren't are any indication," Casey says. "I don't think they could ever forget. You were a forbidden topic, of course, but I heard them talking about you when they thought I couldn't hear. It was a lot," he says. "About how they could ever have gone so wrong with one son, and being relieved that I was 'normal'. That's the word they used. They don't think we're normal - well, they do think I am, and I've just 'hidden myself in work' as far as they're concerned. God. There were even a couple of screaming matches - right after," Casey adds. "I think back then Mom would've
let you back if you weren't gay. But they got set against the idea and more rigid in their thinking. I... just wanted you back."
"The longer they believe you're just burying yourself in your work, the better we'll all be." Ben states, not wanting to even consider what their parents would do if they found out about what Casey's life was really like. "I'm fairly certain if and when they find out any details of our lives they will feel obligated to do something about it." That would be one of Ben's greatest fears, that Casey would have to go through even a fraction of what Ben had with their parents.
"I'm lucky Matt's work is more on the computer side, and the Foundation," Casey says. "I know he still wants to act but it's easier to be able to stay here. I never want to see them again, though. I've already made a few excuses," he adds. "If only to myself for avoiding them. But I won't see them. Not any more. I thought maybe we could hold onto a relationship - I didn't even care that I'd have to be in the closet around them. But it's impossible, probably always was. That's the other reason I worry about you. You don't look all that different and with your name, they'll know it's you."
Ben nods. "It wouldn't be difficult for them to put everything together, especially because Jim is becoming so popular over in the states now. I know there is a lot of interest in our relationship too, especially since up until now we've tried to keep it fairly low key. I think maybe it intrigues the reporters and paparazzi even more that we're not out there more. I wouldn't be surprised if a reporter figures out Andrew is part of things soon since I know they're digging for information."
"I know and that worries me. You can't be sure they won't see something - there was an article on Billie in People not so long ago, and though I doubt our parents would have any interest in her other show, it's too close for comfort," he says. "Mind you, I don't think they read People after they said someone was gay - can't remember if it was Liberace or Rock Hudson in some retrospective," he says. "I'm worried that the threesome coming out might get to them as well. If not them, well, there's plenty of people who'd be interested in an out threesome too, and you just don't know if the wrong person or people will hear. It's got to be..." and he stops. "It is scaring you to death, isn't it?"
Ben laughs bitterly. "You could say that I have some issues about our parents and the thought of them finding out about my relationship with Jim and Andrew. They're probably more of an issue for me then some other crazy out there that won't approve. Maybe it's not logical to disregard so many threats, but I'm not sure I can deal with just how large the risk might be."
"I don't think you're illogical, but then I know our parents," Casey replies. "I mean, there've got to be other crazies out there but Jim seems to have a handle on things. I was thinking more that someone might see something about the three of you and mention it to Mom and Dad, though. Especially if it comes out in the papers."
Ben nods. "I'm certain that if any of their acquaintances read something they'll take great pleasure in showing it to them. Which, of course, will make them even angrier." He shakes his head, knowing this is one area where the threat is probably as great as the fear he has of it, especially if their parents somehow find out about Casey and Matt as well. There's no telling what their parents would do if they thought Ben might have somehow corrupted Casey.
"You know they would, the gossip in their circle is as vicious as ever, or it was the last time I had reason to know - after I left home, but before I moved countries," Casey answers. "I'm scared," and he moves to hug Ben, wanting him to know he's here. "I know you are too."
Ben accepts the hug, trying not to tense up at the comforting touch he's not really sure how to deal with considering everything they've talked about and not talked about. He also does his best to return the gesture, not wanting to alert Casey to any issues beyond what he already knows about. "So what else did you want to talk about when you came over today?"
Casey knows it's still not right. "I want... to work toward getting back to where we should be. I know it's going to take work from me, and I've neglected that. I'm sorry," he says. "But we need to commit to this. To not let our lovers and family get between us. I want my best friend back, who happens to be my brother as well. I want to be able to call you at 2 am. I hope I don't have to, but I want to know I can if I must. I want you to be able to do that too."
"You can always call me at 2am." Ben says, knowing he'd probably even be awake the way things currently were. "Relationships take work from both sides. My going to the states for a month was probably the cause of most of this and then when I got back other things were going on and I let them get in the way."
"And I did let Matt's illness get in the way - and while some of that couldn't be helped, I could have at least said there was more going on, even if I wasn't ready to tell you," Casey says. "I made mistakes too. That's what I'm trying, clumsily, to say. I love you. I don't think I'll ever get to tell you that enough. No matter what it seems like, I'm glad you're back in my life."
"I love you too." Ben says. That at least is easy for him to admit. All the other emotions, the hurt that Casey didn't tell him about Matt's illness or their marriage can be pushed aside as he concentrates on this positive. "I'm glad you're back in my life as well. I just hope us being in contact again doesn't cause problems for you in the future with our parents."
Casey is wishing he had made time to tell Ben at least some of it. Maybe not all, but some. He also knows Jim will have to handle this but he is sure Jim and Ben can get there. "I don't care," he says. "I really don't. They don't know about me and they never will."
"I don't think you can guarantee they won't ever find out." Ben says, although he's definitely hoping that they never do find out about Casey's relationship. "If nothing else, you could get linked to Jim through me and it could come out that way."
"Then we protect ourselves from them," Casey says. "Staying here most of the time is a good beginning." He hugs Ben a little tighter. "They won't be able to find us here."
Ben nods. "Yeah, it's a very good idea for you to stay here instead of going back to the states. You know there are ways to get your birth certificate without going there and taking the chance."
"Unfortunately those ways take months, not a few days," Casey answers. "If it weren't completely necessary - it's something to do with custody of Noah, and I've no idea why it's necessary but it is. And if things take a sudden turn for the worse, we may not have weeks..."
"Is there any way I could go get it for you?" Ben asks, willing to make the trip and take the risk of seeing their parents if it will help protect his brother.
"You're amazing, but no, I promised Noah. I will, however, spend as little time in Boston as possible. I think he'd love California. Or anywhere I took him, really," Casey smiles.
"Just be careful." Ben requests. "And if you do run into them, lie and say Noah is your son from a woman so they don't have any reason to get upset with you."
"I'm not sure if it's a good thing or not that I was already planning on that in the unfortunate event that I need to. At least Noah's baby talk is plausible enough to be about something else than his papa," Casey smiles at that. "I'm really hoping not to see them. Unless their routines have changed greatly - I know, through checking, that they haven't retired yet but I think it will be soon - I can make sure I'm anywhere they might even remotely be expected to be when I'm fairly sure they'll be somewhere else."
Ben nods, knowing he'll worry until Casey and Noah are both back safely. Even then he doesn't think the worry will end, just transfer back to fear that they'll find out more information about their son's lives and try to stop what they see as sinful behavior.
"Someday - not right now because I know we have too much going on and you can't possibly be any more ready to leave Jim for that amount of time than I am to leave Matt yet - I'd like to take a vacation with you. Just us, leave our partners at home and spend some time together. Noah could come along if that works out, but some time alone," Casey says. "Somewhere we don't even have to think about our parents would be good, too. But I think we would do that some anyway."
Although the suggestion comes as a surprise to Ben, he can't say he would be completely against the idea once he's got some of the current issues settled for good. "I think I would like that if we can manage a good time for both of us. Obviously it's not a good time for either of us right now, but suggest it again once things settle down and maybe we can work something out."
"I'm glad you feel that way," Casey smiles. "I know we couldn't do it now, but on the other hand, if we don't at least talk about it, it won't ever happen. And if nothing else, today I've learned that talking is better than not talking, especially to you." He sighs. "God, I feel so relaxed right now. More than I have in a long time. It's very... tense with Matt most of the time. I try not to let it get to me, but it does."
"I'm sorry you're having to go through this. That both of you have to face this when you should just be relishing being in a new and wonderful relationship is just wrong." Ben states softly. He knows a bit of what Casey is going through, having spent the early days of his relationship with Jim worrying about whether or not Jim was going to be okay.
"I know, and I know it will be all right now. We're doing okay with the relationship, it's just the tension of treatment and knowing what could go wrong..." Casey shakes his head. "But we are stronger for it, and that has to be good." He smiles. "I wouldn't trade him for anyone, even at his most stubborn."
"One thing about this, if you can get through this so early in your relationship you'll be able to get through almost anything." Ben comments, thinking about how much his own relationship with Jim has been tested lately and wondering if they wouldn't have dealt with Jim's illness early on if they would be strong enough to deal with what they were now.
"That's good to know," Casey nods. "Like the saying, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? But I'd like a little less testing for a while..."
Ben smiles a bit sadly. "I know the feeling." he nods. "You'll get through it though, I have faith in you."
"I know and that means so much," Casey says. "You always did have faith in me, just as I did in you. And we have beaten our past, you know. We're here, we're alive and we're happy. That's a lot more to build on than hate."
Ben knows he's far from beating his past, but there is no way he's going to drag Casey into the fight he's having with all that happened then. "You've done an amazing job of getting past all that happened then."
"Sometimes I feel like I haven't made any progress, but then I look at who I was back then and I know I have," Casey answers. "I know you have, too. I think we'll always have that as a part of us but it doesn't need to define us."
Ben nods with a small forced smile that he tries to make look natural. "So tell me what else has been going on." he suggests, knowing he needs to divert Casey from any more talk about their past. Ben is feeling a bit too shaky about the subject at the moment and he doesn't want to add any more to Casey's already heavy load of worries.
The smile doesn't fool Casey for a second. "Really, that's about it," he says. "Of the world-shaking events, anyway. I'm sure Jim's told you about the changes in work for the year, too? The shortened season for his show?"
"He told me about the shortened season." Ben says. "We haven't really discussed a lot about his work lately. Once in awhile we discuss work stuff, but for the most part he seems to discuss most of that with Andrew since they're both going through it."
Casey nods. "A lot of it's really boring if you're not a part of it, I know that much. It's why I never really went on with acting, it wasn't something that interested me. You know, I'll have to find you a copy of the movie I was in, just so you can, um... see how I was," he flushes. "I think I could've done something with it, but the waiting around on set was so boring. I really don't know how people enjoy that enough to make it their career, but it'd be a boring world if we all did the same things," he says.
"I would love to see the movie you were in, I'm sure you were very good." Ben says with a small smile. "I haven't really been on set to have to deal with all the waiting, but I'm sure it could get boring at times. I know Jim and Andrew both think being able to act is worth it, but I can see where others wouldn't see it that way. Besides, you've found things you're good at and that's all that counts."
"That's how I feel," Casey nods, smiling. "You get it. I mean, if it'd been something I really wanted to do, I would've felt a lot different, I'm sure. I'm glad I got the experience - once was fun even with the boring parts - but still. And I know, but Jim, does he ever actually sleep?" Casey laughs.
Ben laughs softly. "Yeah, he sleeps if he gets tired enough. He just has two speeds asleep and hyper with no in between. It's part of his charm . . . I think"
"I think we'd better think that or we'll end up finding him supremely irritating," Casey grins. "But yes, that sounds very like Jim. Of course you'd find someone like that. Even as a kid, you didn't sleep a lot, I remember."
Ben just nods. "Yeah, sleep is a highly overrated activity." he comments after a moment. "I know it used to drive you crazy when I'd come in and wake you up in the middle of the night because I had a brilliant thought I wanted to share. The middle of the night was also the time when I did the most drawing or painting when we were younger."
"I remember you saying that a lot too," Casey replies, laughing. "And as much as it did, there were a lot of times after you left that I wished you would come in... even dreamed you had a couple times..." he nods. "Have you tried that again? Or have you managed to draw at more respectable times now?"
"I've done a bit of drawing in the middle of the night." Ben states, understating the amount of sketch books he's filled in the past couple of months, many of which no one else would see if he had any say in it. "I haven't done any painting lately, although I've thought about picking up some supplies and trying again."
"You've always been really good," Casey says. "I was so unsurprised to find that you went into art, you'd always wanted to." He nods. "I'd like to see if you do any. If you want to show me. I still have some paintings you did years ago..."
"Please, I'm begging you, burn any of my paintings you have and never show them to anyone else." Ben says seriously. "I can only imagine just how horrible they are."
"Never," Casey says seriously. "For far too long they were all I had of you. They are in storage now and I'll leave them there, but don't ask me to burn them..." he's very serious on that.
"I'm really not talented enough for anyone to keep my paintings and I certainly wasn't then." Ben says seriously, but he also won't press for Casey to destroy them. He rarely shows his art to anyone even now.
"You actually weren't that bad. I mean, given your age and level of training," Casey says. "I think that's part of the reason I went into art myself - it was another link to you."
"Wow, that's quite the compliment. Thank you." Ben says, truly surprised and touched by the comment. "I know my sketching has gotten better over the years, but it's been a long time since I tried to paint. It's probably been since college."
"You know what I've always thought about doing but never had the chance to?" Casey smiles at how surprised and touched Ben is. "And I wouldn't have done it as far as I did if I didn't like it for myself, but it started out as a way to keep a thread of you with me, yes." He wonders if Ben knows how hard he clung to things like art and the music Ben had liked. If he hadn't had those, the three years he'd lived with their parents after Ben had run away would have been more unbearable than they were. "I would love to go to the places people like Van Gogh and Rubens and Da Vinci painted. Italy, France, Holland... I've been to some of them but not with that in mind. Maybe not necessarily to paint but to... absorb if that makes sense." He
nods. "That's a long time, but I bet you've still got that raw talent you had."
"It's decided then. If we can get away for that vacation together we'll do a tour of places some of the greats painted and check out some of the museums and churches where their art is displayed." Ben says, having always wanted to do a trip like that himself but never taking the time. "I'm fairly certain Jim and Andrew would appreciate your going with me so they don't have to be bored as I want to see it all in depth and stop often to sketch." He thinks about it for a moment. "Maybe sometime I will pick up more paints and supplies and try my hand at it again. The worst that can happen is I hate it and throw whatever I do away."
"We'll do it," Casey says. "Schedules being the only thing that will stop us," he smiles. "And yes, it would be amazing. I'm sure Andrew and Jim wouldn't mind coming along, and nor would Matt, but we'd both be thinking about them and wondering if we were taking too long or spending too much time on something they wouldn't find at all interesting or any of a hundred things."
Casey smiles. "I get the feeling you miss it... I haven't done anything much in a while, been working too hard, but it's not
something I've let go like you have."
"I miss the freedom I felt when I used to paint, but I'm not sure if I can get that back after all these years." Ben explains. "I think it's a question of wondering if I can ever recapture that feeling or something similar."
Casey nods. "You're... I know I haven't seen you in a lot of years, but even going from when you were younger, you seem freer, more confident and happier now, with Jim and Andrew," he says. "Maybe it's as simple as finding people who love and accept you - I know that's helped for me with Matt," he says. "But I definitely see it. Maybe that will help bring that feeling back for you."
"Maybe." Ben nods, still shying away from mentioning any of the issues between Jim, Andrew and himself that still need to be dealt with. "It's been a long time since I painted though, since the time before our separation even so I'm not sure a desire to get back to it or even more freedom now can make it work now."
"LIke someone once said to me," Casey says, and he wonders what Ben is thinking about. Pushing won't work, he knows that. So he'll have to wait until Ben is ready to talk to him. He shakes his head and finishes his sentence. "You won't know until you try." He grins, because of course the 'someone' was Ben.
"Someone told you that huh?" Ben asks with a small smile. "I would say that someone was either really smart or completely deluded. I'm not sure which it would be though."
"Really smart," Casey answers. "I know that much." He smiles too. "You know, I remember wanting this... for so long." He indicates the two of them. "It's... different now. Not bad. Just different."
"I'm glad we found each other again, but I have to admit that I never even allowed myself to believe it could happen." Ben says. "It is different then it used to be, but I'm not sure there was any way it could have been the same considering all that has happened."
Casey nods. "I didn't expect it, either. I thought about looking for you but by the time it was an option, it was so many years later I had no idea where to start." He doesn't know if he should tell Ben of the times he watched the news, heard of an unidentified body that fit Ben's physical description and prayed it wasn't his brother. He speaks, softly. "Not the same, no. But still more than I ever dared hope."
"It was probably better we didn't find each other again until now despite how much I missed you." Ben states. "I'm not sure we could have reached this point if we'd met again earlier. I wasn't ready to face anything from my past. I'm not really sure how ready I am even now, but at least I'm not quite as tempted to run away from any reminder of the past."
"Then it was definitely better. I'd hate for you to want to run away from me, even if I was tempted that first night to do just that," Casey admits. "But there was too much need to have you back, and that won out. I know dealing with the past is hard, there's parts I don't want to revisit either, but... at least we're here."
"I think we were both very tempted to run away that first night, but I'm glad neither of us gave into the urge." Ben says softly. "It might have been easier to not face any of the past, but it's worth what we've dealt with so far to have you back in my life." he admits. Casey is definitely one of the reasons he's even considering therapy now, knowing he needs to deal with some of his issues if he can ever hope to have an open and truthful relationship with his brother.
"I'm glad too," Casey smiles. "It might have been easier, but I think we can agree, in the end, it wouldn't have been better. I know we've dealt with a lot, and there's more to deal with, but at least we're in the position of knowing that we want to deal with it." He knows that might take a while for them both but moving forward is better than not moving.
"Yeah, there is still a lot to deal with, but hopefully we'll eventually get there." Ben says with a sad smile. "It will be worth it in the end I'm sure even if moving forward is sometimes difficult."
"We will," Casey says, just optimistic enough to believe that. "And it will be more than worth it. We have so much love, and it's lasted even through all the years of separation. It's worth the bad parts. You're worth the bad parts."
"You're worth it too." Ben agrees, his voice soft and introspective. The bad parts are pretty horrible and he's only begun to deal with them, but Casey is worth it and so are Jim and Andrew. He just needs to work on getting past the fear and the knowledge that things will most likely get worse before they get better.
Casey moves to hug Ben again. "Thank you. I don't mean to rush out on you," which it isn't, they've been talking for a while, "but I have to pick up some things for Noah before I go home and I'd rather not deal with the post-work crowds. I'll call you soon," and he kisses Ben's cheek, softly. He gets up, gathers his things and starts to head toward the door.
